Since week 37 I've been living each day in anticipation knowing that labor could start ANY day. Braxton hicks contractions were becoming more frequent and I just had this feeling (or maybe just a hope?) the end was near. At the end of week 38 [January 14th] I lost my mucus plug. It's possible to lose your mucus plug as early as two weeks before giving birth but I was under the impression it was more common to lose it only a few days before going into labor. We were SO close. We had to be! And really we were so close- with a c-section scheduled on the 26th (three days past my due date) as a back up plan, at most it was only two more weeks until my boy was in my arms. Having an end in sight brought me some relief but the 26th still just sounded too far away. I was a ticking time bomb and at the end of each day I was severely disappointed that I hadn't "gone off" yet. It honestly felt like I was never going to have this baby. And while I was truly grateful to have so many people checking up on me via phone calls and text messages, having nothing new to report was getting annoying. How silly, right? Of course this baby can't stay in my belly forever. And gosh, I hadn't even made it to my due date yet. Obviously patience isn't my strong suit.
At week 39 day 2 [January 18th], I got a call from a nurse giving me an update on scheduling for the c-section. Though I always knew it was something I wanted to try for, I started out with very anxious feelings regarding a vaginal delivery. Thankfully not only did I work past a lot of those uneasy feelings but throughout the last couple weeks as I experienced stronger braxton hicks and felt of my doctor's confidence in my body's ability to give birth vaginally, I grew confident and even ecstatic about the potential for such an opportunity. But there we were at 39 weeks and despite losing my mucus plug three days prior and all the braxton hicks, I was feeling doubtful my body was capable of going into labor on it's own. What if I end up having to keep that appointment for a c-section on the 26th? I don't fear the c-section itself, it's about all the mental energy and high expectations I've put into having a vaginal delivery. What a let down it would be to wind up with a c-section. Another stress factor: This is most likely my one shot at a vaginal delivery. There aren't a lot of doctors willing to VBAC after two c-sections, and truthfully I don't know that I would want to with the risks being higher at that point. The last three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and after that phone call from the nurse I snapped.
After a good cry and some consoling from Jay I gained a little more patience and perspective. Jay reminded me of the real priority: Mine and baby boy's safety. I then considered what it means to give birth and reflected on this divine act on a deeper level. For the last nine months I've had the honor of playing a special part in God's plan for one of his choice spirits. Pregnancy and giving birth requires sacrifice but it's a small sacrifice for such a sacred cause. How this spirit is brought into the world is in His hands. Sadly I've been quick to forget that Heavenly Father is all-knowing. For me to stress about things I cannot control is a waste of energy. I'm thankful for a supportive husband who is patient with me and my raging hormones, never loses sight of what's really important, and is good about gently instructing me to calm down. I am so grateful for this healthy pregnancy, for this baby boy who I get to meet soon, and mostly I'm grateful for an all-knowing father in heaven who is merciful and patient. Whether it be an unexpected short or long labor followed by a vaginal delivery or a c-section, or a scheduled c-section, wonderful things are ahead and no doubt it'll all be worth the wait.
January 19th
I try not to get too caught up with the numbers but during my 39 week prenatal visit I hoped to hear I was dialed to a higher number and/or effaced at a higher percentage from last week. The doctor never gave me a clear answer as to what my exact numbers were but the consensus of the visit was that everything is exactly where it needs to be: My cervix, amniotic fluid level, the position of baby's head and face, and the fact that his head is so low. All systems are a go, it's just a matter of patience until I start having stronger and consistent contractions. My doctor must have been trying to jump start things because the physical exam was extremely uncomfortable. I briefly spoke with him about the scheduled c-section, but he thinks it's very unlikely that I'll even make it that far. "Everything is looking really good. You're a great candidate for a VBAC. You got this." His reassuring words are just what I need to help get me through just a little longer.
I've also got my Evelyn who has done a fantastic job of keeping me busy and continually lifts my spirits, particularly this last week. The week has been full with trips to the library, the park, walks, coloring, play-doh, reading books, scarfing go-gurts and chicken nuggets, dance parties, and lots of "snuggle-snuggles". Basically all of Evelyn's favorite things. With all preparations for baby boy complete, there's essentially nothing left to do but sit back and wait while enjoying this delightful little human.
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