Baby Jensen

I share this in hopes that someone will find our story comforting. I also hope this serves as a reminder of how incredibly sensitive the topic of procreation can be. Mostly, I'm sharing this to share my testimony.

I’m quite certain I’m not the only girl that grew up with dreams of becoming a mother. There are probably some that didn't feel this way, but I'll bet the majority of us girls did at some point in our childhood.

It's natural. It's good! Motherhood is a sacred calling from Heavenly Father. We are raised to believe that one day we will grow up, find our prince charming, and have babies. 

Seems simple enough.

Starting a family was a huge decision for Jay and me. It's huge for anyone. The time between getting married in April 2010 and finally starting to “try” in April 2012 felt like long enough of a wait. But what a relief it was once we made that decision!

I chucked those birth control pills in the garbage, began pinning baby and mommy things on Pinterest, and started reading books.  All signs were pointing to GO, I’m thinking YES! Yes, yes, yes! Baby time!

A few months go by.

It’s not happening yet. I'm panicking a little. But we just keep “trying”.

A few more months go by. I think to myself, wait a minute... I thought the answer was YES. Yes family. Yes baby. Yes NOW.

It had been only six months by this point, but I was feeling helpless. When is this going to happen? It was consuming my every thought. There wasn't a day, let alone a single hour that went by where I wasn't thinking about pregnancy and babies. I had so many unbelievably real dreams too. I wondered if these dreams were a sign that something was about to happen, or was it just another way to torture me?

Fertility is so very precious. So sensitive. As I mentioned, so part of being a woman. I wondered if Jay and/or I were broken. Even the faintest thought that INFERTILITY might become part of our vocabulary was nauseating.

I'm ashamed to admit that I became a very bitter lady.

I was bitter about all the money spent [and some extra pounds gained] on birth control pills. Cause hey, looks like I didn’t need those evil capsules after all!

I was sick of looking at babies and fearing I would never have one that was my very own. Sick of all the pregnancies that were happening all around me [it didn’t help living in Provo, Utah- procreation city], especially sick of the ones that were “accidents”. SICK of hearing women complain about their pregnancies. I’m sure they had their reasons, but why were they focusing on the negative? Did they not see how lucky they were? 
I was sick of hearing, “You're so young; you have plenty of time!” OR “Just relax, try not to think about it so much.” First of all, yes I am young. That’s the point. I'm in the prime of my child-bearing years! Not that it even matters. When you're ready, you're READY. And secondly, don't think about it? Impossible.  

January 2013

I felt prompted to educate myself and be more aggressive. If Jay and I were still unsuccessful by that one year mark, we wanted to be able to tell the doctor that we did absolutely everything in our power to try and conceive a child.

This book, I recommend to every woman- "trying" or “not trying", pregnant or not pregnant.

There is great power in understanding what’s going on inside our complex, beautiful bodies.  

 After lots of reading, I had new feelings of hope and practiced a little more patience. I began charting my basil body temperature. I was making so many discoveries. I knew exactly when I was ovulating. I was so in tune with my body! 

Through this journey, this was the first time I didn’t feel quite so helpless.

April 2013

That year mark came. We went to the doctor.

My gynecologist ordered tests for the both us. First, a semen analysis for Jay. Good news- his boys can swim!

My turn. An HSG test... 

This test is done in an x-ray room at the hospital. It determines whether your fallopian tubes are blocked or not. The doctor shoots a radioactive dye through a catheter into your cervix. Then on an x-ray screen, the doctor watches the dye flow through your uterus and then hopefully to your fallopian tubes. When the dye is injected, it causes your uterus to contract. This was basically a nightmare of an experience. 

After what felt like ten minutes of severe discomfort, the doctor told me to sit up so I could see the x-ray pictures.

So I sat up. And then passed out due to the severe stress my body just endured.

The official report from my doctor was that my fallopian tubes were blocked. No explanation of why or for how long. The doctor was only able to unblock one of my tubes. Surgery would need to be done to unblock the other one. But I was told surgery wasn't necessary because pregnancy is still totally possible with only one fully functioning tube. 

Jay and I were instructed to give it a couple more months before seeing a specialist.

I was feeling extremely hopeful at this point. My tubes were blocked! NO WONDER I wasn't getting pregnant. I was relieved that it was due to something so simple.

June 2013

We went to Memphis for Jay's internship with Kellogg's. It was an exciting time and we just thought to ourselves, we have all summer to keep "trying"!

It was our second week in Tennessee and I was feeling extremely helpless again. I had a lot of time to myself and saw no reason not to seek out more answers. So, I made an appointment with a specialist in Memphis.

At the appointment Dr. Brezina discussed possible concerns and treatment plans. He wasn't convinced that my tubes were blocked, but what he believed happened was that because my uterus was contracting during the HSG test, it was preventing the dye from entering my tubes.

So I got started with what he suggested- a few basic blood tests and an ultrasound.

Everything came back good. Great, actually. Superb egg count, normal hormone levels, no cysts or anything suspicious happening in my uterus. I’d also like to mention that my cycles had been perfectly regular.

So WHAT was the problem?

Just before I could go any further into my investigation, there was a miscommunication with the insurance and they basically said that because I was a dependent on my dad's insurance I wasn't covered for anything that had to do with infertility.

Everything was brought to a halt and I stopped seeing the specialist.

July 2013

Our pup, Mouse, got sick and we put her down.

The indescribable heartache of losing my sweet furry friend so suddenly, combined with my unexplained inability to get pregnant was beyond discouraging. Emotionally, I hit rock bottom.

But what I learned is this:
"Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom."

Because of my despair, I began to pray more often and with more intent than I had in my life. I began to see that Heavenly Father was right there by my side all along, anxiously waiting for me to ask for His help.

I had no idea what the next step was in this journey but I knew with all my heart that if I lived my life in true harmony with the Gospel and its principles, He would guide me.

I cannot even express the power of this experience. I mean, my problems didn't magically disappear. I didn't instantly become pregnant, and I still cried often over the loss of our pup and our failure to conceive a child. But surely, a weight was lifted and my testimony was strengthened. Things were hard at the moment but I was blessed with confidence and strength to endure.

August 2013

Jay and I embraced our last weeks in Memphis, then came back to Provo so he could finish his last year of schooling.

We were hesitant to call a fertility specialist in Utah because the insurance company confirmed several times that they wouldn't cover anything.

To sit back and do nothing seemed impossible. We continued to pray for guidance.

October 2013

One day a friend came over for a haircut and ended up sharing her sweet testimony and told me of her struggles with infertility. Her optimism was insanely inspiring.

I told her of my situation. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I do know that her words were of divine inspiration. She told me about the Utah Fertility Center and somehow convinced me that everything was going to be OK, and going to a specialist for a simple consultation couldn't hurt.

November 2013

I made an appointment with Dr. Conway at the Utah Fertility Center.

Jay and I gave Dr. Conway a basic history of what we had done up to that point to try and achieve pregnancy. We asked questions about my tubes, my moderate to severe mid-cycle and period pains, treatment options, estimated cost of treatments, and an estimated time frame.

As far as my tubes go, Dr. Conway had the same theory as Dr. Brezina in Memphis- Most likely my uterus was acting naturally by contracting and preventing the dye from entering my tubes.  

Dr. Conway didn't see any reason to jump right into another HSG test before trying a few more simple, inexpensive, and less invasive methods of assistance/treatment first. 

As far as my mid-cycle and period pains, Dr. Conway mentioned the possibility of having endometriosis. If this were the case, she didn't feel it was severe enough for surgery, but it could be severe enough that it's been effecting fertility. 

[Endometriosis- a common health problem in women. Endometrium is the tissue that lines the uterus or womb. Endometriosis occurs when this tissue grows outside of the uterus on other organs or structures in the body.]

Dr. Conway went through treatment plans in detail from the most inexpensive and less invasive, to the more expensive and invasive. Jay and I were simply there for a consultation. We didn't discuss ahead of time the possibility of actually starting treatment or how we would pay for it. Because I was on just the right day of my cycle, Dr. Conway gave us the option to start treatment THAT day. Jay and I looked at each other and immediately said YES.

This was for sure the most hopeful I had ever felt.

I did three cycles [months] of clomid. 

Each month, I went in for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts and my uterine lining was thick. When all was clear, I'd take clomid/femara once a day for five days.

Then a few days later, go in for an ultrasound to make sure it was working. It was good news every time. The clomid/femara was working and I had numerous good follicles growing.

After the ultrasound, I was instructed on exactly when to induce ovulation at home with an HCG injection.

Then "timed intercourse".

Then more pills.

Then two weeks of waiting till the pregnancy blood test.

3 months, 15 doses of clomid/femara, 6 ultrasounds, 3 injections, approximately 40 doses of progesterone, and 3 negative pregnancy blood tests.

The negative test result on the first month was very emotional. As hard as I tried not to get my hopes up, I felt so sure that first try would work. By the third month, I was expecting a negative result. Not that I lost all hope, but just that negative pregnancy tests was all I knew at that point.

We kept all this fairly quiet. But slowly we discovered more and more couples that were struggling with infertility. Did you know that 1 in 6 couples struggles with infertility? 1 in 6! That’s too many. But learning of others stories also made us feel less alone. Jay and I instantly opened our arms to a few of those couples and they became some of our dearest friends and greatest sources of comfort. There were so many other tender mercies sent our way during this time… Remember how my insurance said they wouldn’t cover anything that had to do with infertility? We anticipated receiving a lot of really massive bills. To our complete surprise, those massive bills never came. Only small ones, like $10 charges here and there for ultrasounds. And we did have to pay out of pocket for all the fertility meds, but somehow it all worked out. Heavenly Father was working small miracles every day. No doubt about that. I knew this trial wasn’t for nothing. I never doubted that Heavenly Father had a plan for us, not once. But that doesn’t mean there weren’t some pretty tough days.

I became more aware of the infertility blogging community. One blogger wrote a post that so perfectly explained the emotional pain of infertility...

“Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.”

I often felt discouraged when thinking about all the women in the world that get pregnant and don’t even want their babies. Or all those unplanned teenage pregnancies. Then there were people like myself who so desperately wanted to fulfill her life-long dream of being a mother, but was incapable. Why would God allow this? I accepted the fact that that’s something I will never understand in this life. What I did come to understand was had it not been for this overwhelming desire to be a mother, I would have given up a long time ago. I was so grateful for this strong desire that kept me moving forward even when it was difficult.

February 2014

After three failed cycles with clomid, Dr. Conway recommended IUI [intrauterine insemination].

We proceeded. The steps were similar...

Ultrasound, 5 days of femara, ultrasound, injection, semen collection, IUI, then two weeks of waiting while taking progesterone.

The IUI was fascinating. It's incredible the things doctors and scientist are capable of! After the procedure I was instructed to lay on the table for about 15 minutes to let gravity move things along. I laid there feeling so excited thinking, how could this NOT work?

Just three days later I was experiencing some very intense discomfort on my left side which eventually became painful enough for a trip to the ER. 

The diagnosis: Three ovarian cysts.

Luckily it was nothing serious. But I had so many questions and concerns...

Was this because of all the fertility meds? The IUI? Did these cysts completely blow the chances of the IUI working? Dr. Conway convinced me that all is well and I just needed to take care of my body and treat it as if it were pregnant. After that conversation and once the pain went away the next day, I was back to being super hopeful.

Two weeks later... A negative pregnancy test.

This one stung. More than any negative pregnancy test. I hit rock bottom again. So many little things about this cycle and the fact that we were doing an IUI convinced me that THIS would be the month. I was so very convinced. But there I was- still riding this rollercoaster.

March 2014

We went ahead with another IUI. 

Ultrasound, 5 days of femara, ultrasound, injection, semen collection, IUI, then two weeks of waiting while taking progesterone.

All of my emotional and physical energy was gone. It was as though I was just being dragged through the whole process.

Two weeks later, what do ya know... Negative.

I needed a break from all of this. I was about to throw my hands in the air and say NO MORE to this infertility treatment, this constant failure that brought feelings of helplessness and inadequacy! But that didn't feel right. It was our last month living in Utah. Our last chance with the Utah Fertility Center. So I thought, OK, one more, just one more month. 

I went in for my first ultrasound and informed the nurse that this would be our last month of treatment. I spoke of how I ate healthy, exercised, didn’t smoke or drink, etc., and then pleaded with her, asking if there was anything I could do to increase my chances of success with this third IUI.

She was sensitive in advising me to stay positive and optimistic. It was often difficult to be positive because getting my hopes up was exhausting. In a way, being negative and hopeless softens the blow of that negative test result.

“Being negative… It just simply does no good.” Those words from that sweet nurse pierced my heart and I knew I needed to consider them.

During a temple visit later that day, I had a very sacred experience where I was reminded that Heavenly Father was indeed watching over me. He would bless Jay and me with a child. Whether that meant this month, next month, next year, years to come, or in the next life, it would happen.

The third IUI was unsuccessful. But all hope wasn’t lost. I practiced optimism and thought back frequently on my temple experience. Also, Jay and I had a big adventure ahead of us in Michigan. All of the moving preparations were a great distraction.

April 2014

Our last meeting with Doctor Conway. She went over our six months of treatment, trying to find an explanation for why we still weren't pregnant. She also discussed IVF [in vitro fertilization] in great detail which was so surreal... Had it really come to this already? We weren't ready. Mostly financially, not ready. Emotionally, not ready. And me, physically, not ready. Fertility drugs did a number on my already sensitive digestive system. I needed a break.

So basically after a discussion with Doctor Conway weighing out pros and cons, and after praying and pondering, a laparoscopy seemed to be the best next step. [Laparoscopy- an operation performed in the abdomen or pelvis through small incisions with the aid of a camera.] The only con to having this surgery were the risks of infection or something going wrong, which goes along with any surgery. The pros were 1: Finding out for sure if I have endometriosis. And if so- 2: Clearing out the endometriosis which would relieve my mid-cycle and period pains. 3: Peace of mind. 4: Increased chances of getting pregnant.

A Laparoscopy can't be done if you're pregnant, so ironically, I went on birth control for two weeks to prepare. That month there was no wondering and no getting my hopes up about pregnancy. It was SO nice. Jay had just graduated with his MBA, we were planning a trip to Michigan to house hunt, and I felt like I was actually able to enjoy it. The only thing I had to think about was the upcoming surgery.

May 2014

On Thursday May 8^th, Jay and I arrived at the American Fork Hospital.

The surgery was about an hour and a half but when I woke up it felt like I was only asleep for five minutes. So strange. I had a weird but not so uncommon reaction coming out of anesthesia... My body was shaking uncontrollably and I remember my teeth chattering as if I were freezing cold. Jay was right at my side, rubbing my head as I tried to calm down. The nurse came in with some drugs. I remember her saying she was only giving me half a dose and would give me the rest if I needed it. The shaking quickly stopped with just half a dose, but I still asked for the other half of the meds... ha ha. Thirty minutes later I was discharged. 

During my three days of recovery I never experienced any pain, just some cramping and bloating that only required ibuprofen. How grateful I was for that. Especially since the movers were coming three days after the surgery.

During a follow-up appointment with Dr. Conway a week after my surgery, she confirmed that I did in fact have endometriosis. There are three types of endometriosis- type three being the most severe. I had type one. I had tissue growing on my uterus, bladder, and behind my left ovary. Dr. Conway also confirmed that my tubes were NOT blocked. However, based on what she saw, one of my tubes may not be working properly. Despite her slight concern about possible tubal dysfunction, she expressed confidence in the possibility of us being able to conceive naturally now that the endometriosis was gone. 

This was very good news. However, the really irritating thing about endometriosis is that there's no permanent cure. Birth control keeps ovulation from occurring, which prevents the endometrium tissue from growing, which brings relief from the endometriosis symptoms. And then of course a hysterectomy would do the trick. But it's pretty obvious that neither of those are options right now. 

Basically the endometriosis could start growing back anywhere from 1-12 months from the day of surgery. 

Our next plan was to "try" on our own for a few months, and pray the endometriosis wouldn’t come back too quickly.

June 2014

We moved to Michigan at the end of May, got a puppy and spent the month of June enjoying our new life. Of course we were still thinking about babies and wondering how everything was going to pan out from here. But we felt content and happy with our circumstances.

July 2014

We had been working quite a bit with the LDS missionaries, joining them during lessons with investigators. It was a humbling experience that led me to thinking often about faith and miracles. I was asked to give a talk in church about faith which I know was no coincidence. While preparing I came across these verses in Doctrine & Covenants 42:49-51

“He who hath faith to see shall see… He who hath faith to hear shall hear… The lame who hath faith to leap shall leap.”

Those verses struck me like lightening. Suddenly everything I was studying and reflecting on throughout the last two plus years all came together. Regarding this baby business, I had done everything in my power EXCEPT truly and sincerely believe that God is a God of miracles. It’s like I had seen and heard of the miracles of others but for some reason was just never truly convinced that He could perform such miracles for me. Finally it clicked and I felt a stronger sense of trust in Heavenly Father, knowing for myself that He is indeed capable of performing miracles in my life.

Two days later, I realized I was “late”.

On Saturday July 12^th I snuck downstairs to the bathroom, took a pregnancy test, walked away for exactly three minutes and prayed not for a positive test result, but for the strength to move forward regardless of the result. Then I went back to check the test.

Friends, it was unreal. 
I was torn between being shocked, relieved, grateful, and simply ecstatic! And that second line was so faint, I really wondered if it was for real. But according to my research- no matter how faint, a line is a line!

It took all of my self-control but I waited and told Jay at the end of the day [details in another post].

That day I thought back to all my griping, sour attitude, and temper tantrums over the years and suddenly felt so undeserving. In the middle of it all, I felt like our journey was such a long one, especially when I include the time spent yearning for this miracle before we even started to “try”. But suddenly it felt so short and I wondered if I really deserved this. Had I put in a good enough fight? Did I endure well? Then I remembered grace- the free and unmerited gift of God. Whether I deserved it or not, this was God’s will and precious gift to me. And I gladly accepted it.

While going through infertility all I wanted was a positive pregnancy test. Yet, I realize that you are not in the all-clear once you find out you are pregnant. Every moment I have to trust that Heavenly Father has my back. That He has this new life in His hands. And that He can give and take life away. I’m taking it one day at a time, expressing my gratitude for this opportunity to carry life. Jay and I are pinching ourselves every day! We’re simply thrilled! Though it was very difficult, Jay and I view our journey as a priceless gift from God, a perfect opportunity for patience and growth. Our journey continues. New problems will arise and I know parenting will be a challenge. But our experiences over the last two years have prepared us greatly. Already I feel that it has helped me through this pregnancy. I am nauseous and tired among other things, but it is a small price to pay for this beautiful gift.

Let me take a moment to boast about my main man. 

This was a struggle for him as well. He wanted to fulfill his dream of being a father. It was exhausting seeing his wife hurt all the time. It was tough to watch his friends pop out their second, third, and fourth child. He felt inadequate and helpless. And he endured all of the infertility treatment shenanigans while attending school full-time in a demanding MBA program. But he composed himself so well and stayed so positive. He always reminded me to count my blessings. He reminded me how good our lives are, how wonderful our marriage is. And throughout all this, our marriage was strengthened. We’ve had four incredible years just the two of us. That time will always be a great strength to our marriage.

Dearest family and close friends- we can’t possibly begin to thank you enough for your constant support and prayers through this. And also for your excitement over the last couple months since we shared with you our news.

For those who have had to “try” or are “trying” for much longer than two years, you are probably reading this and rolling your eyes. For those who have had to “try” or have been “trying” for even three months, you know the heart ache. Once you have decided that you’re ready to start a family, any amount of time spent in the trenches of infertility is much too long.

I know our news will put a sting into the hearts of some. I know because I have felt the sting too many times. I understand that sometimes no matter how much you may care for someone, hearing of their pregnancy just ends up being another painful reminder of what you don’t have but so desperately want.

I have been so prayerful in writing this. I want to be sensitive to those who are struggling but I don’t want to hold back on sharing this incredibly joyful time in my life. There will always be a very tender piece of my heart for those who ache. I just pray our story will bring hope.

Constantly throughout this journey I stressed and wondered if I was the reason I wasn’t getting pregnant. Perhaps there were lessons to be learned and Heavenly Father wouldn’t bless me with a child until I learned what I needed to. I’d also stress about whether I needed to do things like drastically change my diet and take herbal supplements. I constantly felt as though it was all on ME. It was an exhausting weight to carry!

The biggest thing that I take away from this experience is this:

For Jay and me, obviously endometriosis was effecting our fertility. But more so, I truly believe that there were things that needed to align first. Whether that was in our circumstances, the state of our faith, or the timing in which this child needed to come to earth. I mean, really this child isn’t ours. We are all Heavenly Father’s children with individual plans. Who were we to say when this child should come to earth? We have our agency to try everything we can to bring children into the world, but ultimately Heavenly Father has the final word. And when He does or doesn’t allow us to bring children to the world, it isn’t a punishment for bad behavior or a reward for good behavior. But rather, it is all about His will and His perfect grace. 

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant, officially in the second trimester. We've been able to see and hear the heartbeat, and our little one is as healthy as can be.

So incredibly stoked to meet this angel in March 2015!!