Baby Jensen Number Two!

Two years ago when we announced we were expecting our first baby, I was quite open about our struggles with infertility and I shared that journey with much detail through prayerful writing here. 

Our story is a bit different this time around. In sharing our news, I feel as though I'm taking a risky plunge. Pregnancy is a sensitive topic. There are many, some whom I know personally, that are struggling to bring babies into the world. Or there are those who for all they know may be physically capable but their circumstances won't allow it. To be in any heart-wrenching situations such as those and then to hear the news that someone you know is expecting is kind of like a punch to the stomach. I've been on that side, punched in the stomach a time or two. Having said that, I feel a sense of responsibility to put my story out there, with the intent to remain humble and sensitive to each person whatever their circumstance may be. And I love having this record for myself and for my children. I hope one day they find joy and amusement in being able to sit down and read through their life story.

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Evelyn's birth was one of the most joyous experiences of my life. Yet, I remember after our first night home from the hospital thinking, HOW in the world do people do THIS (have babies) multiple times?? The heartburn and other memories of pregnancy discomfort were still so fresh in my mind and now I was experiencing sleep deprivation like never before. So naturally I wasn't even thinking about the next baby. But I wondered how things would go for us the second time around. Didn't stress it but simply wondered and thought of it every now and again.

Fast forward nine months. Evelyn was still such a joy. We grew to love her more and more each day. My sweet neighbor, Kari, was over for a haircut one day. During our casual conversation she asked, "So are you ready for another one?" Surely she was making a joke. Kari's face was serious as she continued... "My daughter was nine months old when I got pregnant with my son. They grew up as the best of friends, went to school together, then graduated and moved away right about the same time. That's the way I wanted it!" I respectfully told her that was wonderful and we wanted more kids but now just wasn't the right time. I could see her point though and the idea of having kids close together was appealing. But I already had a baby. Another one? I couldn't imagine doing that to Evelyn. I wanted to enjoy and give her my all. And selfishly, I wasn't ready to hop back on that emotional infertility roller coaster. With everything we went through previously and seeing how much Evelyn means to us, I meant when I said I truly would do it all over again. And there was a chance, a hope that things would go smoother and quicker the second time around. But no guarantees. I wasn't ready to get back into that. I had this absolutely perfect nine month old baby girl and I was enjoying every second of her.

March 2016. My baby turned one. She was self-weaning, cutting teeth, crawling everywhere, pulling herself up onto everything, and growing out of baby clothes. Essentially she was growing up and I was feeling insanely nostalgic about it. I wouldn't say I was "baby hungry" at this point, but as more time went on I was feeling more excited about the idea of doing it all over again- the pregnancy, the birth, the newborn stage. My sister, Jess, and I would talk frequently about all these things. She gave birth to her first two girls almost exactly two years apart. Though in the beginning there were some very trying days of caring for them, she absolutely loved watching their close friendship blossom through the years, and always suggested if I were to have any two kids close together the first two is the way to go. Jess' thoughts on the matter didn't influence my opinion entirely, but she did help me see the positive in having babies close together. I still didn't feel ready and had a few other selfish concerns... The role of a parent is a vulnerable one. The second you read that positive pregnancy test, you are emotionally connected. It's beyond wonderful. But if something goes wrong- you lose that baby before it ever really has a chance to develop, or if your baby one day develops scary health issues... Not that you wouldn't love your child any less, but my point is that children are emotionally taxing. Evelyn has been perfect from the beginning. Healthy pregnancy, healthy delivery, and healthy baby. What were the chances that we would be so fortunate to have another perfect baby? Second, babies effect your marriage. Not in a bad way even in the slightest! It just changes things and takes a little bit of adjusting. I currently felt Jay and I were in an especially solid place in our relationship. We were mastering life as parents of one and had a great routine going. Babies throw off routines. I feared another baby so soon would somehow effect our marriage in a negative way. Third, not that it's ever been a concern or anything that I've been self-conscious about, but my body weight was the lowest it had ever been in my adult life. I was feelin' pretty darn good about myself! Another pregnancy? Weight gain? Ugh. Although seeing the way my body was capable of bouncing back after one pregnancy gave me hope that it was capable of bouncing back a second time. 

At the beginning of April right in the middle of our Utah trip, my period came. The first one in almost two years. I forgot how horrible periods were, particularly how horrible mine were. SO much discomfort on our drive back to Vegas from Provo, Steph had to take over and drive most of the way home. This right here was reason enough to just get pregnant again, ha. 

I had been prayerful about this whole thing for awhile. I told Heavenly Father of my honest concerns and asked that he would continue to inspire Jay and myself in these big life decisions. Sometime in April when I was reading books to Evelyn, I picked up "Heavenly Father Loves Me," a book containing pictures and the lyrics to the LDS primary song. We got to the part that reads, "I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world Heavenly Father created for me." I felt the need to repeat those words in my head... Heavenly Father created this world for US. A simple truth that I had always known was suddenly made extremely clear. While this world can be scary and ugly, it is a beautiful world and there are spirits eager to come down and experience it. This reminded me that this decision of bringing children into the world wasn't entirely mine to make and I needed to be more willing and mindful of God's plan for our entire family. 

I don't recall if it was that same day, but shortly after this revelation I approached Jay... "Totally hypothetical. If I were to say that I wanted to go off of birth control and let nature take it's course, what would you say?" He probably appreciated being asked while brushing his teeth, giving him a few moments to prepare a response. Knowing of my concerns with having another baby and not being totally ready, he responded, "I swear. There is something that goes off in a woman's brain after a certain period of time causing her to forget everything about pregnancy and childbirth." After a good laugh I told him of the thoughts I had while reading to Evelyn. I didn't feel a need to convince him but I pointed out the fact that we didn't know how long it was going to take and could still potentially be a few months before we even got pregnant. He lovingly said, "Obviously another baby would impact my life a great deal, but this is you. YOU are the one that endures pregnancy, childbirth, nurturing a newborn baby- and this time around it would mean nurturing a newborn baby AND taking care of Evelyn while I'm at work all day. If this is something that you feel good about, and the big guy upstairs approves of, then I'm on board." A few days later I told Jay I would be going off birth control. He said, "OK", and that was the end of it. We weren't "trying" and told ourselves if it took awhile then that was OK. We had each other and we had our Evelyn. We may have brought the topic up one other time but for the most part we felt it was out of our hands and we weren't stressing it. Ha, already such a contrast to our first time around.

In the beginning of May I started having a rough time emotionally. It wasn't depression or anxiety, but I was just feeling emotionally so very sensitive and tearing up over silly things of which I can't even recall anymore. On May 9th Evelyn and I drove to San Diego to spend a week with my family while Jay traveled for work. There were a few times during that week where I felt extremely exhausted, more so than usual. I chalked it up to being busy and running on very little sleep. On the last day of our visit (Friday), Jess, Steph, and I were sitting at Jess' kitchen table chatting and I mentioned my period being a couple days late. The girls got a little bit excited saying things like, "Oh my gosh, what if you're pregnant? That'd be so crazy if it happened so fast!" Jess went on about how she always had a hunch when she was pregnant because she got really emotional and would end up lashing out at her kids. I didn't even begin to get my hopes up because I had never experienced anything like that while pregnant with Evelyn. I assumed my current emotional state and late period had to do with changes in hormones due to quitting breastfeeding and my body trying to get back into a cycle.

Evelyn and I came home from our trip on Saturday and had a wonderful reunion with Jay. My period was now three days late. On Sunday morning Jay was helping to hold Evelyn still while I put on a bracelet I had made during our trip. She was being very squirmy and Jay mumbled, "Is this really that important?" Sweating and frustrated from trying to hold my child still, I lashed out and said, "No Jay, it's not!" Then stormed out of the room with Evelyn. What in the heck is wrong with me!? Lashing out at my innocent husband!? I was genuinely beginning to worry that I may need psychological help, because this was just ridiculous. I had a thought that maybe a pregnancy test would be a good idea JUST to rule out pregnancy. While rummaging through the bathroom cupboard I found the same package of pregnancy tests that was used with Evelyn almost two years ago. Couldn't believe I still had it, but so thankful I did. The box's expiration date was 5/31/16 and there was one test left. Perfect. After I got Evelyn down for a nap I went into the bathroom, took the test, then set the timer on my phone for three minutes. Here we go again... I was getting anxious now, thinking and hoping that the test just might read 'positive' but getting nervous about getting my hopes up. Ugh. I remembered this feeling. I hated this feeling. 

I made my way over to read the results of the test, my heart pounding out of my chest. 

Two solid lines. An unmistakable POSITIVE. I've taken A LOT of pregnancy tests through out the years, and all but one read negative. Thus to take a pregnancy test, the very first pregnancy test in almost two years and have it be positive... Unreal. So many overwhelming and happy emotions came over me. I was relieved... Thank goodness, I'm not loony- I'm pregnant! And obviously I could not wait to tell Jay. Waltzing into his office and telling him wasn't an option- I had to think of something creative, and quickly because we only had a couple hours until church and I sure as heck would not be able to wait until after church to tell him. 

Jay and I have this little tradition that started in Utah and then took a break while we were in Michigan, but then started up again when we moved to Vegas: There is a drive-thru Panda Express not even a mile away from our house and every single time we've gone through the food has been as fresh and delicious as can be. So [almost] every Saturday Jay goes to pick up food while I put Evelyn to bed, then we enjoy dinner together while watching a Netflix show or movie. This week we got our Panda but were too full to even open our fortune cookies so we tossed them in the trash. On Sunday morning as I paced the bathroom trying to come up with a creative way to tell Jay I was pregnant, I remembered the unopened fortune cookies. I snuck outside to do a little dumpster diving and retrieved the cookies. I managed to carefully open one of the cookies and seal it back up with a new fortune. Now the trick was getting him to open the fortune cookie. It was a Sunday morning and we just had breakfast, so no matter how I did it was going to be really out of the blue and he might think I'm crazy. Jay caught me off guard a few moments later when he walked into our room. I frantically handed him the cookie and the look on his face told me that yes, he thought I was nuts. Jay's reaction when finding out I was pregnant with Evelyn was priceless and will be engraved in my memory forever. For some silly reason I had this weird fear that Jay wouldn't be as excited about the pregnancy this time around. Then he opened and read that fortune cookie. Seeing his reaction again is another moment that will be engraved in my memory forever.

"Are you serious!!?", he exclaimed. I showed him the test and we had a special moment sharing in the excitement of this joyous news. He was completely shocked that it happened so quickly and even jokingly said something to the effect of, "Well that was easy!" He reassured me that this was going to be awesome for our family and that I was awesome and had his full support. 

Later that day we told our families by sending out a photo of Evelyn wearing a shirt I whipped up that afternoon. 
They were absolutely thrilled of course.

My estimated due date is January 18th. We're on cloud nine. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, still just completely baffled. Babies 22 months apart... I never would have imagined this for myself. Never thought I'd be so fortunate or so willing even. Nonetheless we are over the moon and so genuinely grateful and excited to add another little human to our family!